


Banjo's "Smashing" Smash Bros. Adventure(s)

by Galsult



Category: Banjo-Kazooie Series, Star Fox Series, Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Anal Sex, Comedy, It's Smash so there are a ton of characters/series, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 20:18:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20069971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galsult/pseuds/Galsult
Summary: Banjo and Kazooie have finally - FINALLY - made into the Smash tournament.  Which means it's prime time for them to flub it all and cause the other contestants to despise them.Hilarity (and sex) ensues.





	Banjo's "Smashing" Smash Bros. Adventure(s)

“Ya sure this is the right place, Kazooie?”

The breegull looked at the massive wrought iron gate before them. It was the only place along the length of the eight-foot-tall brick wall surrounding the manor through which they could see its grounds proper. The words ‘Smash Manor’ were lovingly rendered in iron latticework above the gate.

She witheringly glanced back at Banjo. “Call it a hunch.”

He thumbed the straps of his backpack (her perch) and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Ya think they’ll, ya know… _remember_ us?”

Kazooie trilled in thought. “Most of them never even met us – and the Kongs have bananas for brains. So I’m guessing ‘no’.”

Banjo’s ears fell a bit at her brutally honest statement, before immediately perking up again right along with his face. The bear was practically a ball of sunshine in sapient form. “Well that’s swell! We can make friends with ‘em all anyway! It’s always good to make new friends.”

“Sure.”

The bear pressed one of his cartoonishly large fingers into the buzzer off to the side of the gate. They waited for a moment – no response. The bear and bird shrugged at each other, and Banjo proceeded to press the buzzer repeatedly over and over for a solid thirty seconds before someone began shouting over the line.

“_Jesus Christ, _stop_ it already! I get it, I get it – you’re there_.” The voice paused for a beat. “_May I ask who is ringing my office incessantly at such an inappropriate time?_”

Banjo cocked his head at that. It was only 3:37 in the morning – it wasn’t _that_ unusual of a time, he thought. “Uhh…” He always felt uncomfortable talking to disembodied voices. “It’s me!”, he finally got out. Kazooie slapped her face with her wing.

“_Fantastic_”, the voice responded. “_That clears things up_.”

“It’s Banjo and Kazooie!”, the breegull spoke up, unwilling to let this go on any longer, which it inevitably would if she let Banjo do the speaking. “We’re here for the Ultimate Tournament 5.0. We got the invite and everything.”

“_Oh?_” A panel next to the buzzer slid open and a camera on a robotic stalk emerged – it turned to look at the pair. Banjo smiled and waved at it while Kazooie fished the opened envelope bearing the Smash insignia from the backpack, waving it in front of the camera.

The voice sighed. “Well, alright. But you’re a little _early_, don’t you think?”

Banjo grinned. “The early worm gets the bird!”

Kazooie put her wings on her hips. “Well _excuse us_ for coming all the way out here. It wasn’t easy, you know! We got layed-over, like, _three times_ on the way here. So what, we’re showing up at an unusual time – what do you want us to do?” She gesticulated wildly at the road. “Camp out in front of the walls?”

The voice groaned. “No, you dingbat, I don’t mean the time, I… Well, I _do_ mean the time, somewhat – but I also mean you’re several months early for the debut! The 5.0 Tournament doesn’t start until autumn.”

The breegull clicked her beak shut, biting back the rest of her rant. Banjo spread his legs apart and put one hand on his hip, beating his chest with his free hand. “Like I said – early worm gets the bird!” He looked very proud of himself.

The voice muttered something inaudible on the other line before speaking up again. “_Fine. I’m opening the gate. When you get inside, hang a right into the first hallway you see – my office will be the first door on the left. And make sure to keep quiet! Most of our contestants are asleep. Like normal people_.”

As the gate started to open inward, Banjo grabbed the camera with both his hands and shook it. “Thanks, Mr. Gate Man!”, he said with an outdoor voice. “We’ll be as quiet as a bull in a china shop that’s respectful of the china shop’s noise policies.”

Kazooie thought the voice said something dangerously close to ‘_kill me_’ as the robotic camera retreated into its lair. “You heard the man”, she told Banjo. “We gotta be quiet. That means, when you walk into the doors, _don’t_ do that thing you always do.”

Banjo looked at her with a confused expression. “What thing?”

“You know, that… _thing_”, she gestured with her wings. “That thing where we go someplace new and you loudly declare ‘we’re here!’ at the top of your lungs.”

“Kazooie”, he chided as they walked up the flower-lined path to the stately mansion, approaching the colonnade that composed its façade. “I’d never do something like that.”

He very carefully pushed aside one of the massive, imposing doors decorated in bas reliefs of Smash’s legendary veteran warriors, and they entered the spacious entrance hall beyond. He tip-toed up the plush crimson carpet with arms held out as if he was balancing himself, keeping as quiet as he possibly could, until they reached the very center of the room.

He paused for a moment – and in that moment, Kazooie knew it was coming.

In that moment, she felt existential dread.

“**_WE’RE HERE!_**”, he yelled at the top of his lungs, arms held akimbo. He turned his head to look at Kazooie with a proud expression on his face, and the breegull slapped him with her wing.

“_What are you doing!?_”, she whispered. “_I specifically told you not to do that!_”

Banjo shrugged. “Yeah”, he agreed. “And I didn’t listen.”

She put her head in her wings and groaned.

“_One thing_”, a voice said irately from behind them. They turned to face its source – the same source of the voice they heard from the gate’s speaker, in fact. It was a floating, disembodied white glove. “_One thing_ I asked you to do, and you couldn’t do it. I don’t even want to _think_ about all the guff I’m going to have to put up with now that you’ve probably woken up half the mansion –”

“_Master Hand!_”, an indignant voice rang out from the stairway. They turned (again) to face its source: a thin young man with cobalt hair, who managed to look primped, proper and preened despite the fact he must’ve obviously just woken up. “What is the meaning of this? Some of us actually _have_ to sleep, you know.”

The floating glove groaned (a mystery for the ages, Kazooie thought) and flexed its (his?) fingers. “Prince Marth – I apologize for the interruption”. The glove gestured to the pair of talking animals standing in the foyer. “We have… newcomers.”

Kazooie awkwardly waved at the noble, a little apologetic-looking – but Banjo rushed over to the bottom of the stairs to grab the lord’s hand with one of his own. “Wow, a _prince!_ I can’t wait to beat the crap out of you.”

Marth’s expression developed an air of mild disgust as he limply returned Banjo’s introductory handshake. “I see _manners _are an unheard-of concept in whichever realm you hail from.”

“Xbox Live!”, Banjo responded with a grin.

The prince cringed and withdrew his hand, proceeding to wipe it on his robe. “_What is coming to this place_”, he muttered under his breath. “_Letting in all sorts of filth_”. He started to walk back up the stairs. “_Next thing you know we’ll have… Roblox avatars doing Fortnite dances…_”

As he turned the corner Kazooie cupped her wings around her beak and yelled. “_Nice to meet you too, asshat!_” She was still glaring when she was done. “The nerve of some people. Didn’t even fucking say ‘_hi_’ to me.”

Master Hand made a throat-clearing sound – somehow – and redirected their attention back to him. “I apologize for Prince Marth’s… uncouthness. Not all the contestants are as prickly as he. _Now_”, he turned to form his entire being into a hand pointing down one of the hallways. “If you’ll follow me, we’ll get you all settled in.”

Banjo thumbed the backpack straps again and smiled. “Can’t wait!”

“Yeah”, Kazooie deadpanned. “Can’t wait.”

……….

They didn’t have to wait too long to begin introducing themselves to the other contestants.

True to Master Hand’s word (to the sentient glove’s umbrage), Banjo’s outburst had in fact woken up most of the manor. So by the time the bear and bird finished up signing the lease and going over tournament details in Master Hand’s office, there was a somewhat disgruntled array of sleep-deprived veterans going about their morning business. They were up, after all, and it was too late in the night (early in the morning?) to try and go back to sleep, so an early day it would be.

Kazooie realized they hadn’t even met more than a few of the other Smashers before managing to piss most of them off. That was probably a new record for them – they at _least_ usually had to hold a conversation with someone before scaring them away.

It didn’t bode well.

Banjo seemed unaffected by the curious, miffed stares they got from another pair of anthropomorphic animals sitting around one of the breakfast tables in the mess hall – oblivious, even. Kazooie recognized them right off the bat as Fox McCloud and… whatever the bird’s name was (Donny? He looked like a Donny), but she doubted Banjo knew who they were.

“Howdy, partners!”, the bear said, slapping the blue avian on the back mid-drink and causing him to spit out his coffee. He turned to look at the two of them with utter disbelief.

“What the hell was that for!?”

Kazooie put on the most innocent air she could possibly muster, trying to play up what she believed to be her innate, childlike charm. Unfortunately, no such charm existed. “We’re sorry, Mr. Donovan.” That also wasn’t his name. “Banjo gets easily excited when he meets new people.”

“Yeah!”, the bear affirmed. “And I’m _really_ excited right now, if ya know what I mean.” He laid his hand down on Falco’s shoulder and squeezed slightly, leaning his muzzle into the bird’s neck.

The breegull grinned in a vain attempt to mask her pain. Banjo spent a week with Honey B. a little while back while Kazooie was busy (“busy”) vacationing in Treasure Trove Cove, just to get some time to herself. By the time she returned, Honey had finished teaching Banjo how best to initiate ‘close friendships’ with people. Banjo, being Banjo, hadn’t noticed any of Honey’s offensively unsubtle come-ons and thought she was genuinely teaching him how to make friends and influence people. Kazooie’s attempts to un-train him had mostly been for naught.

And to make it even worse, she got the distinct sense that – deep down – Banjo was fully aware that he was doing it, and was only pretending to be a complete buffoon pretending be a player. There were layers to this madness.

“_Ha ha_ – isn’t he _funny?_”, she desperately tried to cover, slapping the bear’s back with her wing. “What a joker this guy is. Makes me really want to strangle him!” Of course, she happened to suffer from anger issues herself, so any attempt to publicly smooth things over only made everything even more disturbing for the other party.

‘Donny’ was practically boring holes into the two of them with his eyes, and Fox stared slack-jawed. The vulpine finally mustered the courage to say something himself – he was the captain of an elite group of mercenaries, after all. Surely, if no one else, he could restore some sanity and maybe make this first impression less of a waking nightmare. He always tried to see the good in people, and it wasn’t uncommon for a bit of initial awkwardness to pervade a first encounter.

He extended his paw outward towards Banjo. “Nice to meet the two of you – I’m Fox McCloud”, He put on his trademark winning, golden-boy smile. He’d fix this – he knew he could.

Banjo used his other hand (the one not still gripping Donny’s shoulder) to shake Fox’s paw. “Nice to meet you two!” His grin turned a little manic. “Get it? You _two!_” As it was spoken out loud, the fox and bird did not in fact get it.

Kazooie managed to extricate Banjo’s hand from the avian, proud at her potential prevention of an assault allegation. “Kazooie”, she introduced herself. “Though I’m already familiar with both of you. You wouldn’t _believe _how often we hear about the exploits of Fox and Donny back where we live!” They’d never heard any such thing, and if they did, they’d have known Falco’s name wasn’t Donny.

Said bird gripped his mug of coffee tightly, doing everything in his power to not throw a punch at the bear. He’d already slugged someone in the face at one of these tournaments before and got in serious trouble for it – which struck him as a little hypocritical, since it was A-OK for them to beat the shit out of each other on stage, but whatever.

Fox smiled politely, fully aware that Kazooie was spouting bullshit but too polite to say anything about it. “Well, I can promise that whatever you heard is probably a little exaggerated – heroism is a team effort. We wouldn’t have been able to do anything we did without the support of others”. He smiled at the pair. “You two probably understand exactly what I’m talking about though, since you’re acting as a pair in the tournament.”

Kazooie’s laugh was strained. Her and Banjo’s teamwork primarily consisted of the bear using her as a weapon. “Yeah. Teamwork is – it’s great. It’s all about that, that _synergy_, you know?”

“I mostly just use Kazooie to hit stuff.” Banjo grinned.

“…Oh”, Fox responded, looking a little put-off. “That’s… interesting.”

“Yeah”, the bear continued. “Sometimes I squeeze her to pop eggs out and hit people with those, too.” The mercenaries stared at him. “Ya have to squeeze at just the right area though, like right around her –”

“**OH WOW IS THAT _COFFEE_ YOU’RE DRINKING!?**”, the breegull interrupted loudly, pointing at Falco’s mug. “I just love coffee. Isn’t it great? You take the, uh, the beans and you mash ‘em up into… mash. And then you pour the hot water over them, and it makes coffee. I think it’s great that you can do that.” She paused for a beat. “It’s wild when you think about it. There are so many things you can do with… beans?”

An awkward silence fell across the table like a pall. “…Yeah”, Fox responded at last, desperately trying to be polite. “I, _uh_ – I guess there are lots of things you can do with… beans.”

“Well, well_, well_ – looks like we have a couple of newcomers.”

Kazooie inwardly sighed a breath of relief – a third entrant to this conversation would hopefully dispel some of the awkwardness. That relief dissipated when she actually turned to look at said entrant: a one-eyed lupine bearing a dangerous, lopsided grin.

“I take it _you_ two were responsible for waking me up this morning?” The wolf folded his arms, eyeing the pair with a cold, appraising glare.

Kazooie cleared her throat. “Well, I wouldn’t quite put it th –”

“Yep!”, Banjo interrupted.

The lupine’s grin grew downright predatory. “Can’t wait to face you guys out on the battlefield. Bet we’ll have _oodles_ of fun.”

“That’s enough, Wolf”, Fox chided from his seat. “They’re new around here, and probably a little stressed-out. No reason to make it worse.”

Wolf raised one eyebrow and turned to Falco. The avian shrugged. “You can bitch ‘em out as much as you want – I don’t care.”

“Now hold your horses”, Wolf said smoothly. Kazooie found his demeanor overbearingly oily. “I’m not looking to make anyone my bitch here… save maybe you, McCloud.”

“Bite me, Wolf”, Fox spat back.

The lupine only grinned more widely. “Gladly.”

Fox groaned and stood up from the table, taking his mostly-empty breakfast tray along with him. “Come on, Falco. We don’t have to sit here and take this.”

The avian looked annoyed at having to get up and move, but he ultimately went along with it. Fox gave Banjo and Kazooie an apologetic look. “It was nice to meet you two, anyway… _oh_.” A gentle smile slowly rose on his face. “I actually get it now.”

“It’s a slow-burn”, Banjo said, thumbing his backpack straps and grinning with his eyes closed. “Just like everything I do.”

Kazooie nodded. “It was nice to meet you guys as well… wait. Falco? I thought your name was Donovan?”

Falco didn’t even dignify that with a response, already halfway across the room, Fox on his tail…

…Leaving the bear and bird with only Wolf for company.

“So”, the lupine drawled. “Fresh meat.” He gestured widely to the table. “Care to catch some breakfast with me?”

Banjo frowned. “We have to catch it?” Kazooie groaned and threw her head back.

Wolf laughed. “Well, you _are_ a ‘slow-burn’, aren’t you? Come on – Crazy Hand cooks a mean omelet, but he tends to burn them if you wait too long.”

The pair followed the lupine to the serving area-cum-buffet occupying a full wall of the mess. “I take it he goes overboard with the cooking?”, Kazooie queried, attempting to make idle conversation.

Wolf shook his head. “No, no – he’s very methodical with his work. He just takes all the uneaten food and burns it in a bonfire out back when he decides breakfast is over.”

Kazooie tutted. “That sounds wasteful.”

“Waste not, want not”, Banjo said sagely.

Wolf eyed him cautiously. At least Kazooie _thought_ he was eyeing Banjo cautiously. It was difficult to tell from their position, what with the eyepatch. “Are you doing this on purpose to be a pain in my ass, or are you actually this dense?”

Banjo wiggled his eyebrows at Wolf in a way that might appear suggestive if it weren’t for the fact that it looked like a pair of large, furry worms dancing the tarantella on his forehead. “Bet I could give you a real pain in the ass if you wanted me to.”

Kazooie almost slapped him again but got distracted by Wolf having a wheezing, laughing fit. “Fuck, where did the Hands even _find_ you guys?”

The breegull made an indignant noise, wings on her hips. She did _not_ like the implication that they were such has-beens that the Hands ‘found’ them. “I’ll have you know, we were extremely relevant on Nintendo systems. We were even almost invited to the first Smash tournament!”

“Yeah?”, Wolf asked, and this time he was definitely eying them up like a joke. “Then how come you weren’t?”

Kazooie started sputtering, prompting another laugh from Wolf, and Banjo spoke up. “Microsoft bought our territory.”

The lupine winced a little at that. “Yeesh. Buy-outs are always a bitch.”

Banjo grinned. “Not as much as _you’ll_ be by the time this day’s out!”

Wolf barked another laugh and Kazooie groaned. She continued to never be a hundred percent certain how much of Banjo’s often needlessly confrontational sexuality was genuine or just his being a raving idiot. Wolf slapped Banjo on the back, which had the bonus effect of slapping _Kazooie_ on the back, which elicited an angry squawk from the breegull in question.

“Come on, then. Let’s eat before everything goes up in flames.”

……….

Banjo thought breakfast went over well enough. Sure, there was that awkward moment when Wolf looked at Kazooie like she was a madwoman when she started digging into her omelet (“isn’t that cannibalism?”), but that was the only thing that stuck out to him as uncomfortable.

Of course, Banjo was not the best at discerning what constituted a social gathering going well.

They were wrapping up when Kazooie hopped out of the backpack. “I’m going to go take a piss – wait up for me, will you?” Banjo nodded at the breegull as she stalked towards the restroom.

“So”, Wolf spoke up, arms behind his head and leaning his chair back far enough to be at danger of falling backwards. “What’s the deal with you and Squawker? You two fucking?”

Banjo laughed. “Me and _Kazooie?_ No, no – we’re strictly plutonic.”

Wolf grinned. “You mean ‘platonic’?”

“Nope”, Banjo shook his head. “Well that too, I suppose – but we’re also glued together as strongly as any two magma-formed rocks!”

The lupine only stared at him. “I can’t tell if you’re a genius or completely retarded.”

“Neither can I.”

Wolf continued to eye him up, and if Banjo knew any better, he might recognize the animalistic glint in his eye. “So… you’re not fucking the bird then. You got anyone on your radar?”

The bear looked confused. “I thought we were already over this? You.” At Wolf’s somewhat befuddled look he further elaborated. “I told you I was going to make you my bitch tonight. At least I _thought_ I did…” He tapped his muzzle, unsure.

Wolf leaned back into the table and sat his elbows on it, head cocked and eyes narrowed. “How serious are you about this?”

Banjo shrugged. “As serious as my magnum bear dong plunging into your boipussy over and over until I break you _can_ be, I guess”, he casually explained.

The lupine’s gaze grew a little colder. “You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”

“No”, Banjo shook his head. “At least not yet. We could go to your room and get it on now if you want, though.”

Wolf drummed his fingers on the table, still deeply uncertain if this was serious, a prank, or some kind of bizarre situation that blurred the lines between the two. “What about your friend?”

Banjo waved his hand dismissively. “She’ll be fine – she’s used to me ditching her at random intervals.”

The two mammals stared at each other for another few seconds before Wolf spoke up again. “We really doing this?”

Banjo shrugged and grinned. “Sure! Why not?”

……….

Wolf’s suite was dark and smelled a lot like that cheap booze Kazooie would bring home with her sometimes. There were clothes strewn all over the place, the blinds were shut tight – and Banjo noticed there were two bedrooms. “You get two beds all to yourself?”

The lupine barked out a laugh. “No – I have a roommate.” He closed the door behind him and stared at the bear, unsure if what he said was happening was actually happening or if this was just some cosmic misunderstanding. “He’s out right now, obviously.”

Banjo just wandered around the room, analyzing the furniture, the TV, picking up random shit and putting it back down. Wolf started to guess it was the latter situation and let out a somewhat disappointed sigh – he hadn’t really expected anything to come of this, how could he? But he wouldn’t deny he’d gotten his hopes up a little bit. Who wouldn’t when a random muscular hunk who walked around shirtless told you he was going to fuck you silly?

He turned around to head to the kitchen, maybe pour himself a shot of something (he thought they still had some of that vodka left over), when he felt more than saw the bear approach him from behind. Banjo had Wolf surrounded, his hands against the wall on either side of Wolf’s head, his muzzle leaning into the crook of Wolf’s neck. The bear proceeded to slowly lick Wolf’s neck from his collarbone to his jaw. Wolf shivered in anticipation.

The lupine was about to shoot his mouth off when Banjo pressed fully into him, pinning him against the wall. Wolf felt the bear’s hard chest against his upper back, and something even harder against his ass. “You feel good”, Banjo murmured into his ear. “Bet you’d feel even better without all those clothes.”

_Welp_, Wolf thought in a moment of clarity. _This is happening_.

He let himself go loose as Banjo took off his jacket from behind. He wordlessly undid his own belt, and the bear yanked his pants down with one motion, causing them to jumble up around his boots. Banjo started running his large hands under Wolf’s tank and grinding against Wolf’s ass.

“Enjoying yourself back there?”, Wolf asked breathily.

Banjo hummed in response, and then froze in his ministrations. Before Wolf got a chance to ask what was going on, he felt himself being lifted from the ground. He let out a yelp as Banjo carried him bridal style across the room and threw him onto the bed.

The bear jumped on the bed himself and Wolf raised a paw. “Hold on a sec, need to get these boots off.” Banjo nodded and waited silently as Wolf slowly (too slowly) undid the damn things. It took him longer than usual, flustered as he was. He managed to kick them off the side of the bed, pants along with them, and Banjo was back on him in a second.

Wolf moaned quietly as the bear kissed and licked and nipped at his neck. When Banjo started yanking on his tank, he got the picture and took it off. He hadn’t even had it all the way over his head when Banjo started giving his chest the same treatment. When the bear started trailing lower, Wolf tapped his head to get his attention.

“Aren’t you going to take that off?”, he asked, indicating the backpack.

Banjo turned his head around as much as he could to stare at his back. “Oh yeah”, he said. “Forgot about that.” He shrugged himself out of it and threw it to the ground, and looked down at his pants. “Guess these can go too!”

The lupine’s brow rose as Banjo removed his shorts. The bear had been going commando this whole time – and holy shit, he actually _did_ have a magnum dong.

Banjo started tugging on Wolf’s briefs. “Can I take these off and fuck you now?”

Wolf eyed the bear’s very erect, very well-sized cock and shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Go for it.”

Banjo grinned and all but tore the damn underwear off, and was trailing his muzzle to Wolf’s cock in three seconds flat. Wolf was halfway through reaching over to the dresser for lube when he had two sudden realizations:

1 – Banjo was sucking his dick, and was also very good at sucking dick

2 – He wouldn’t be able to find his lube in the dresser, because it wasn’t his dresser, and this wasn’t his bed, because Banjo carried him to his roomie’s room and Wolf – in his lustful haze – hadn’t noticed.

“Fuck”, the lupine said. He wasn’t sure if he was saying it in response to the blowjob, or his mistake. Probably both.

He tapped Banjo’s head again, and the bear looked up at him with the lupine’s dick still half in his mouth. “We gotta move – we’re in the wrong room. This is my roommate’s bed.”

Banjo let go of Wolf’s dick with an audible pop and stared at him for a second. “So?”

Wolf had to shake his head at the sheer audacity. “So, I don’t think we should fuck on my roomie’s bed.”

The bear shrugged. “Alright.” They both got off the bed, and Banjo picked up Wolf again and virtually sprinted across the hall, obviously eager to continue with minimal interruption.

Wolf went to his dresser and fished out his lube, tossing it to the bear, who grinned excitedly when he caught it in his right hand. “Can’t wait to ram this turgid sausage into you and plunder your moist crevasse.”

Wolf grimaced and felt his arousal flag some at that horrific, almost Lovecraftian excuse for dirty talk, but felt it come right back when he took a second to drink in the very naked, very built, very well-endowed bear all but bouncing on his heels to fuck him. So he hopped on the bed (his own, this time), and gestured broadly for the bear to do what he pleased.

Banjo squirted the entire bottle of lube into his hands, earning a look of rebuke from Wolf. What kind of person does that? Wolf’s annoyance dissipated when the bear started pressing one of his fingers against his entrance, circling it, and pushing it in.

“_Fuck_”, Wolf bit out. He was no stranger to bottoming, but the bear’s fingers were already sizeable – and they had _nothing_ on his cock. He felt the tension start to ease as Banjo rhythmically slid his finger in and out like the push and pull of a tide. He looked up to see the bear grinning at him like a maniac.

“You’ve got a hungry hole! Good thing my giganto penor is a three-course meal.”

Wolf almost ended the whole thing right there. _Almost_ – but the bear’s ministrations were too damn good. But _damn_ did someone really need to teach him how to properly talk dirty.

Banjo slipped out his finger and lined up his needlessly over-lubricated cock against him instead. The bear kept tapping his cock’s thick head against Wolf’s entrance and retreating back without actually going in.

“Knock, knock”, he said, looking at Wolf mischievously.

_This can’t be happening_, Wolf thought. “…Who’s there?”

“**I AM!**”

Banjo shoved his cock in all the way with one thrust, and Wolf let out a yowl – more of sheer surprise at the sudden intrusion than pain. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”, he asked, acclimating to the bear’s size, and finding – to his chagrin – that his righteous anger was fast fading in the face of _oh my god holy shit that felt good._

Banjo shrugged exaggeratedly. “Lots of stuff probably.” He segued from that right into pounding Wolf’s ass like a jackhammer in no time flat.

“Wh – wh –”, Wolf kept trying to speak and failing, every word swallowed with a moan or gasp, his mind quickly being overrun by a cascade of pleasure.

The bear let his head back and sighed peacefully, eyes closed, the serenity contrasting ridiculously with the high-speed, high-impact motion of his waist. “This feels really good, actually”, he said conversationally.

“Eh – _eh_ – yeh”, Wolf still couldn’t really speak. The lupine hadn’t been fucked like this since…

…Had he ever been fucked like this?

Banjo started to bite his lower lip. “I might not last much longer”

Wolf nodded. At least he thought he did – he couldn’t be sure. He was in the same camp as Banjo, riding it out and losing his mind along the way.

The bear started to slow down, but he went deeper as he did so, and Wolf heard his own shouting even before he realized he was doing it. A look of severe concentration grew on Banjo’s face, and he started panting.

“D’ya want me to pull out before…?”

Wolf shook his head. He absolutely did _not _want any cessation of this, not even for a second. Banjo picked up speed again – and oh fuck, that was that.

The lupine groaned as he shot all over his own stomach, each contraction sending another shockwave through him. Banjo fucking _roared_ from his place between his legs, and Wolf felt that telltale foreign heat pool in his lower abdomen.

They remained in their post-orgasm coital lock for another moment, panting. Wolf’s sensitive canine noise realized the room positively reeked of sex – he found he didn’t mind.

“Well that was wild”, he offered. Banjo ignored his comment and fell face-first on top of him. Wolf yelped. “_What are you doing!?_”

The bear hummed sleepily, snaking his arms around Wolf’s torso, a serene smile on his face. “Cuddling.”

Wolf was about to ream him out, but if he was being honest with himself… why not? Wasn’t like he had any other plans for the day. So he gave in and relaxed in the bear’s arms.

It didn’t take long for the both of them to fall asleep.

……….

“_Uhhh_…” Wolf groggily opened his eyes to see the confused stare of his roommate. The blue hedgehog tossed a pile of Wolf’s and Banjo’s clothes onto the floor of the lupine’s room. “Were you guys fucking in my bed?”

Wolf groaned. Banjo was still fast asleep, with no sign of waking up any time soon. “No”, he responded.

Sonic chuckled. “Good – cuz I was going to say, you better include me if you’re going to do shit in my own room.”

……….

Banjo continued to walk around the manor – it’d been a half-hour or so since he’d woken up in Wolf’s room, and he figured it was time to leave.

He finally found Kazooie in the large entertainment room, engaged in a tense game of poker with a crocodile wearing a crown and a scary-looking man with a large nose and wild red hair. She looked up at him as he approached, and squawked her annoyance. “Where the _hell _did you go!?”

“I was just with Wolf.”

Kazooie only shook her head. “Fine, fine – _whatever_. You might as well join in.” She gestured at her new friends. “This is K. Rool and Ganondorf – they’re cool.”

Banjo waved his hand at both of them. “Nice to meet ya! Kazooie’s the best judge of character I know, so I just know you two are swell guys!” He pulled out a chair and sat in it. “Either of you guys know Wolf?”

“Yeah”, the crocodile, K. Rool, responded. “He’s a friend of ours. Sort of.” He wavered his clawed hand in a see-saw fashion. Ganondorf nodded.

Banjo smiled at the two of them. “Well I just fucked him.”

The two villains looked at each other for a second and burst out laughing. K. Rool did nothing to hide it, slamming his stomach with his hand, while Ganondorf masked his eyes. “Tell me we’re never going to let him hear the end of this?”, K. Rool grinned at the wizard. Ganondorf shook his head.

Kazooie groaned. “Will you stop giggling like schoolgirls and play already?”

Banjo leaned back in his chair, at peace.

He could just tell already that this was going to be a fun place.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot for now, but don't be too shocked if it gets updated periodically at random intervals months apart. Sometimes you just got to write something really fucking dumb between proper stories.
> 
> Thanks for kudos and comments, criticism welcome


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